remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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