can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
