well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
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