pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
