Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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