i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
