I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
P.S. I can't hear my feet
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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