I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
