It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
