it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Sober January is a disaster.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
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