Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
