I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize