i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
My ATM looks so different sober.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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