oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
