I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
