i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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