So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
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