I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
It's Friday. Sex?
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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