how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
