In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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