I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
