You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Drunk is a universal language darling
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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