So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
