I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
