Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
