I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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