I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
