I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Randomize
