I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
there was a trapeze. enough said
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
