I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Randomize
