I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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