Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Randomize
