My girlfriend figured out who you are.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
