I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Holy sore nipples Batman
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
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