Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
