The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
