My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
May the power of my ass compel you!!
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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