she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Randomize
