I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
