I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
