no, he came in my armpit
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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