Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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