@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
