The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
