he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
