My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
So drunk its hurt
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize