May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
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