So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
