Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
