i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
