woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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