You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
