i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
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