So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
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