im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
