I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
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