Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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