you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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