I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
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