Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize