i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
The struggles of a small town man whore
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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