Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
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