We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
well you can't waste a boner
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
