I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
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